I’ve just had my first-ever sober holiday, something that I really never thought I could do and never wanted to do, in fact. I made the decision 5 weeks ago today that I was going to work towards sobriety. By that, I mean that I hope to remove alcohol from my life indefinitely. Currently, I am in a state of abstinence because I still crave it, I still think about it, and I’m still grieving the loss of it like a love I have lost. I’m working towards the day when I can be free of the craving and I’m no longer dependent on pure willpower and discipline that stands between me and an alcoholic drink. I believe moderation is not an option for me due to the addictive nature of my personality. It has to go for good.
When I was drinking, everything revolved around alcohol: the excitement the night before = pre-holiday bottle of wine, getting to the airport at 6 am = a couple of cheeky beers, getting on the plane = a couple more cheeky beers, getting to the pool = a couple more and so on… after all, I’m on my holibobs, right?!
This summer, we went back to the exact same resort we had been to only six months before, over New Year, where I drank every evening throughout the holiday. So every experience I repeated this time around, I could recall from only a matter of months earlier, with a drink (or few) in hand.
Paul (my husband) decided to do this with me, relinquishing the booze on his holiday to support me on my journey. On the flight over, I started to haggle with him over whether we could just have ‘the one drink’ each evening to make the end of a good day and signal the start of the evening. Yet another red flag and a painful reminder of how dependent I have become on alcohol.
The first couple of days, I really struggled, which sounds so pathetic when I read that back. It felt like I’d come away on holiday without my partner or child… I felt like I was grieving the loss of something that has been so familiar to me. Meals out didn’t feel the same; and I was dreading the evenings, knowing that I couldn’t have a drink. All around me, there were people drinking, and I felt so bitter that I can’t just be ‘normal,’ that I can’t just enjoy a couple of drinks on holiday. Rarely though is it ‘just a couple’.
When we were there over New Year, we went to an amazing restaurant that we always return to. It was New Years Day so we knocked back a couple of beers to start with, 2 bottles of wine and some gins… it was a great night! Six months later I find myself at the same restaurant, with the same people, but with a glass of sparkling mineral water in front of me, feeling very resentful. Everyone around me is drinking; drink is everywhere.
By day 3, I just wanted to go home. I felt like I needed the comfort and familiarity of home to soothe me. I felt incredibly anxious because I don’t know how to be social without alcohol. I can’t be funny and silly and lively sober. I don’t even know who I am in a social setting without a drink, even around my own family. I felt very low.
By day 4, I started to feel differently. It dawned on me that for the past few days, although mentally I felt at odds with myself, physically I felt AMAZING! I had so much more energy in the daytime! I didn’t feel the lethargy I usually feel in the mornings after the night before. I felt great!
By day 5, I felt less anxious about going out for the evening and felt more at ease with not drinking. The non-alcoholic beer in the restaurants was lovely, Estrella Galicia, and our bill each night was a good 30 euros less than it was over New Year.
We got talking to a few different people while away, and when you tell them you’re having a holiday without alcohol, they look at you like you have two heads!! It made me feel really proud of myself.
We’ve been home a couple of weeks now, and when I reflect on my week away, I can honestly say I didn’t enjoy it any less for not drinking; in fact, I think I enjoyed it more! The only downside (it’s not really a downside, more of an observation) is that without the drink, I felt sleepy much earlier in the evening, as I didn’t have the sugar to keep me awake. So by 9 pm, I was thinking about bed, whereas previously, I’d be thinking about how much more I can drink I can get into me before we have to go to bed.
I was way more present for my daughter, and she didn’t see us getting tanked up each night, which was always one of my worries. We were in bed by 11, sometimes earlier, and up by 7:30 each day, ready to make the most of our holiday.
There really were no downsides. In fact, I’m pretty sure I dropped a few pounds too!
Sober holidays are a worry before you do them, but once you’ve tried it, you realise it’s not a sacrifice at all, but a better way to make the most of the little time we have on holiday!
You may be wondering why I made a commitment to sobriety right before a holiday, thus making it much harder for myself?! I suppose it’s a bit like going on a diet on Christmas Eve… you just wouldn’t do it! Well, I’ll save that story for next weeks blog…
